Having a panic attack after smoking, or what we call “weed anxiety”, is extremely common. Don’t worry. Follow these hilarious steps to find help!
I have Weed Anxiety! What Did I Just Smoke?!
I get it, we’ve all been there. Your friend made some dank edibles, and you claimed to feel nothing after 45 minutes, so you ate another. Now over an hour has gone by, and you are sitting on the bathroom floor with the door locked. To say your thoughts are irrational is an understatement, as you are now convinced that the Illuminati is tracking down all stoners, and the only thing that will keep you safe is opening another bag of Cheetos.
While marijuana is quite relaxing for many people, others can suffer from terrible bouts of paranoia. Many first timers are turned off if their first experience induces anxiety. Regular smokers are also known to have their moments where they lose their cool and freak out. This is an unfortunate irony, as cannabis is most often prescribed to help curb anxiety.
No worries no more, as we have 10 Funny Tips for Avoiding Weed Anxiety. Finding these tips to be utterly useless? Scroll to the bottom for a bonus 5 Tips For Curbing Anxiety That Are Actually Useful.
Tip #1: No One Can Prove You Are High
Sometimes I get paranoid when I suspect that other people think I’m high. Just kidding, I always feel like a million bucks after toking. But it brings up a good point: nobody needs to know that you are high.
If you want to prevent weed anxiety in the first place, don’t let anyone know that you are high. Pretend that you are a gay army soldier from the 80’s and follow the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. If someone does ask, just lie and say, “who, me? Of course not!”
Tip #2: Hide the Smell!
Everyone has that random aunt or annoying co-worker that somehow has the nose of a highly trained K-9 police dog. Whether you smoked a blunt in the yard next door at the family BBQ or stepped outside of the office for a quick afternoon sesh, you need to stay prepared. Using hand sanitizer and gum may help, but the smoke may linger and get absorbed in your clothes. Nothing will reinforce your weed anxiety more than knowing all the evidence of your little secret is right in front of everyone’s nostrils.
That’s why drastic times call for drastic measures. Cologne may be a bit overkill, so why not make a sploof with some dryer sheets, preferably flower scented. This will give you the confidence you need to light up a room away from Grandma. If she asks about anything, just tell her to calm down and take some time to smell the roses.
Tip #3: Forget That You Smoked
Now that the smell is gone, while you are at it, completely forget that you just got high. After all, you most likely got high to enjoy life to the fullest, so lose your mind in some fun activity. It could be anything from extreme white water rafting to simply storytelling with some close friends.
Don’t have any friends? Make up some imaginary friends and talk to them instead! Just kidding, don’t do that. This will only make you feel more crazy, leading to more paranoia.
Tip #4: Dress Like a Boss
Walking to 7-Eleven real quick to grab some munchies? Rather than show up in your t-shirt and sweats, throw on a nice suit. Now just add a bit of a hop in your step, and nobody will ever suspect a thing.
Even if you are freaking out from weed anxiety on the inside, looking sharp will make everyone think that you are calm and collected. Go ahead, walk into that 7-Eleven like you own the place.
Tip #5: More Sexy Time!
Let’s be honest, it is pretty difficult to be anxious during sex, unless you are a virgin before prom night. Why not call up your significant other and tell them how much you miss them.
Not in a relationship? Don’t worry, we didn’t get you dressed up in a suit for nothing. Go back to 7-Eleven and practice those Tinder pickup lines you have been perfecting for so long in person. Remember, you are wearing a suit, so people will assume that you are full of money.
Wait a second… You are telling me that didn’t work either? Well, you can always just head back home and masturbate by yourself. Seriously though, it’s hard to be stressed after that.
Tip #6: Remember, Pot is Practically Legal
Let’s be honest, getting caught with small amounts of ganja is roughly equivalent to having an overdue library book in most states. You might get get a fine, and you know you probably “should” pay it, but would anything even happen if you didn’t?
Not sure which states have legalized or decriminalized marijuana? Check out our post to find out the legalization status in the 50 states. There’s nothing more potent than information when you’re trying to fight weed anxiety.
Tip #7: Take More Drugs
You just tried one substance, and that didn’t make you feel exactly as expected, so why not do something else instead? Feeling down? Try an upper. Too high strung? Go for a downer. This can only go well…
Of course, don’t do any illegal substances. First of all, everybody knows that only bad things are illegal (the most tongue-in-cheek sentence we’ve ever written on this blog). Secondly, doing something illegal will only make you more paranoid — not something you want to add into your cocktail of weed anxiety.
Tip #8: Be Super Outgoing and Social
Just be the perfect social butterfly that always has the right thing to say. Whatever you do, make sure an awkward silence never occurs. This is totally helping, right?
Tip #9: Smoke with Less Experienced Stoners
Sometimes a newbie might feel nervous or intimidated around a bunch of experienced tokers. Einstein scientifically proved that everything is relative, so if you surround yourself with a bunch of young newbies who are even more anxious than you, then you won’t seem as paranoid in comparison.
This is just basic special relativity, we aren’t talking about rocket science here! Also, remember that science is always right. Or maybe their anxiety will only cause you more anxiety, you’ll have to figure this one out on your own.
You can even call it a scientific experiment.
Tip #10: Stop Being a P*$&@
Just suck it up and take a hit like a champ. Mindset is everything, so go in with a positive attitude and realize that you will be okay.
Don’t worry, in three hours, everything will be back to normal. Your mother still loves you, and hopefully you still will have your job.
Well, That Didn’t Help Much…
I know, I make it sound so easy. With tips from “be super outgoing” to “have copious amounts of sex”, you are starting to wonder if I am another Tony Robbins about to send you walking over hot coals in order to combat your weed anxiety.
You’ve been a good sport for sticking with us this far. That’s why we will reward you with a bonus 5 Tips for Curbing Weed Anxiety That Are Actually Useful.
Bonus Tip #1: Don’t Smoke Too Much
While at first glance, this seems like a no-brainer, it really is the best advice. At the end of the day, get to know yourself. Maybe you only need two puffs from a joint, or perhaps one dab gets you to the perfect level, but two is too much. Set limits and wait to see how you feel.
Edibles are the hardest to properly dose. It takes about an hour and a half for you to fully feel the effects, so start with a smaller dose of 10 to 20 mg of THC if you are new. While a pro can handle 250 mg, many would find this overwhelming. Also, the high of edibles lasts much longer, so keep this in mind.
As a New York Times reporter found out first hand, many edibles are quite dense in THC, so sometimes a whole candy bar could be 10 or more smaller doses. Find out how many milligrams the total edible is, and divide it up into pieces accordingly.
Bonus Tip #2: Avoid Drinking and Smoking
If you are already worried about how cannabis will affect you, I would not recommend mixing with alcohol at first. It could make you have the spins or get really tired, ultimately making you feel more worried. While some live to get cross faded, others find it to be too much and quite overwhelming.
If you are going to drink and smoke together, take it easy at first. Most people agree that smoking before drinking typically leads to an overall better experience than the other way around.
Bonus Tip #3: Setting is King
One of the most important things for a good high is the proper setting. Whether it be the location you are at, who you are with, or what music is playing, your environment will be key to shaping your experience. Set and setting is so important to any mind-altering experience that we put it on our list of tips for beginners.
Once again, everybody is different. Some people are not comfortable in loud public spaces while high and would prefer to stay in the comfort of their home. Others may get easily worked up by certain personality types. Or maybe throwing on a little Bob Marley is sure to leave you with the good vibes.
Bonus Tip #4: Don’t Smoke On an Empty Stomach
While most people would probably be okay on an empty stomach, it is something to consider. There’s a decent chance that you will get the munchies soon after and will be eating anyways, so that could also be okay.
Believe it or not, CBD can lower glucose levels, so if you struggle with low blood sugar levels and smoke weed, make sure to eat something beforehand. One of my friends who smokes regularly had this problem once, which left him feeling uneasy and paranoid. Simply eating a snack brought him back to normal though.
Bonus Tip #5: Try High-CBD Strains
While THC is credited for causing all of the fun-loving euphoria associated with weed, THC by itself can be quite anxiety inducing. Even having trace amounts of other cannabinoids, such as CBD and CBC, helps elevate the mood. Not only do the other cannabinoids take away some of the paranoia from THC, they also havd their own anti-drepressant effects by themselves, which partially contributes to the high.
CBD can actually help to counter the effects of THC. In my opinion, 99% of the strains currently on the market all have too much THC in comparison with the other cannabinoids. Part of the reason why we created the Strain Genie was to make it easier for everyone to find high-CBD strains.
We also made a list of the top 10 strains for beginners.
Don’t be disappointed when you show up to a dispensary and learn that they do not have these exotic strains, simply order online with WoahStork!