How To Not Smell Like Weed, brought to you by The Red Eye Reviewer.
Redeye- Usually caused by allergies, eye fatigue, the over-wearing of contact lenses or a common eye infection such as pink eye. However, redness of the eye sometimes can signal a more serious eye condition or disease, such as glaucoma or being stoned out of your mind from that sweet sinsemilla.
Due to my genetics, my vision globes constantly looked like Mauna Loa volcano was spilling lava from my brain into my peepers. The amount of money I’ve spent on Visean, Clear Eyes and Rohtos could of put your K9 through obedience school, where they’d probably learn how to sniff out the over use of driblets to your eyes. Redeyes can be a dead giveaway for stoners if they’re not confident in their reasoning behind the deep, pink, glazed tint that has moved into the top sweet of the face on Eyeball Avenue.
All the symptoms listed above could have ended the many speculations thrown your way by higher authorities accusing you of being smoked the fuck out.
Regardless, a simple plan should be rehearsed if one is to enter an anti-ganja atmosphere shortly after tokin some smoke.
Rule number one: don’t smell like weed.
I’ve always been a fan of pointing out that it smells like pot before somebody points you out for reaking like trees. It works a bit opposite to the “whoever smelt it dealt it” grade school debate.
Note-nobody who smokes says pot unless they’re old. Another trick to keep your THC secrets!
Cologne can be a dead giveaway! There is no reason you should be coming back from lunch smelling like AXE body spray that’s been mixed with Willie Nelson’s finger clippings. As far as I know Chong hasn’t released that scent yet and Snoop’s is a secret recipe that was buried with Tupac’s ashes. A light scented lotion paired with a brisk 3-5 min walk outdoors will take care of about 75% of all chronic smells.
The remaining 25% is from blunts and joints. Now if you’re smoking a blunt before an important outing with expectations of not stinking, then you got fired, kicked out or placed into a rehabilitation center where you found yourself talking with your Higher Power… and for a second you think…that you’re an idiot.
Breath is the last of the dosha scent indicators. When one speaks they’re pushing air into the vicinity of the person they’re speaking to. If your suck-hole has just inhaled Mary-Jane then that air will stink like weed. Gum seems obvious, but it’s how you utilize it that counts:
- One piece should be split into two, you chew the first half as though your life depends on it. Pushing it around in your mouth, rubbing it on your gums basically trying to put a coat of smell good over your resin scented mouth.
- After this is complete the second half of gum is deployed as you’re walking into your situation.
If executed properly your breath should be minty fresh, your hands should smell like lotion and your eyes should be as clear as the line at a Bill Cosby comedy show.
This satire article was brought to you by The Red Eye Reviewer. For more tips on how to not smell like weed and avoid the anxiety that results from it, check out this article.